Return to Chip Alley
It’s May Day, bank holiday
weekend, a free day and warm weather, an unusual combination. I’m off to Skegness,
the first long run of the year, about 150 miles round trip. From Nottingham
I’m heading out to Grantham and Sleaford, intending to come back via Lincoln.
I set off later than
intended – 11.00 am – and this is probably why I’m mixed up in traffic with 2
or 3 kamikaze caged reps? I think they are trying to get somewhere for
dinnertime. Anyway, instead of passing the usual slow traffic following Lorries
and Tractors and generally cruising along I’m involved with a couple of
suicidal Mondeo drivers playing “chase the bike”. One guy is passing stuff on
blind bends just to keep in front of me and no, he’s not some “young gun”, he’s
at least 60 – “how did you get this far in life and how long before you kill
yourself and someone else to”? I let him get on with it, staying back a bit
just in case. It’s not long before we arrive at a set of lights and I do the
usual filter and go. Thank God for that, I can relax a bit at last.
A nice bit of straight country road, nothing in sight, so I open up a bit, this is more like it. Oops, someone behind me, back off a bit just in case. It’s not a police car, even worse, it’s Rep Man and he wants to play again. Put it this way, I was moving a bit but he really meant passing me, he HAD to be in 3 figures when he finally passed me. Two worlds were about to collide – one was intent on dying of at least a heart attack and the other had all the time in the world – lesson learnt, I backed off. Some of you may cry ‘chicken’.
“1300 cc of raw power could
have blown him away, but I’m just rolling along to Skeggy for the day”.
Saw him later, caught by the
Police in one of their notorious rolling speed traps just outside of town.
I waved, I wondered if he saw me J.
I arrived in Skeg at about
12.45 and parked on the High Street. It was 15 degrees when I left; it’s 10
degrees here with a very cool wind blowing. “Skegness is so bracing” as the
slogan on the posters, says!
After parking up I decide to get something to eat. I haven’t had a beef burger in over a year (another story), but the smell is so enticing.
Now then, follow your nose, through the arcade; it has a café with fag smoking diners. The ritz it ain’t! I walk on through and arrive on the other side in a small pedestrian precinct.
Yes folks, we have arrived in the legendry Chip Alley, known by all visitors from the midlands for its many Fish and Chip shops (and the odd, extremely cheap, gift shop).
I walk along, trying to select
a suitable dining experience J.
Burger Jacks looks as if it
might be reasonably healthy, i.e. the chip fat wasn’t oozing out onto the
pavement here – do I exaggerate? go see for yourself! Jacks seems to be
attempting a ‘Mexican’ theme, lots of bright writing with pictures of chillies
and peppers and salad? Inside it’s still a chip shop counter, but the kitchen
looks clean.
.......... Aye up mi duck
“Aye up mi duck”, what can I get you? – Now, if you’re not from Nottingham (or close to), you’ll be wondering if she was offering to cook me some sort of waterfowl eh?
Wel,l it’s the equivalent
of “how are you today”, “bonjourno”,
“Que tal”, “Salut” or “howdy doody hombre”. The usual reply is “aam
awreet surree” (I’m fine thank you good sir), and then you order.
I order a ¼ pounder and wait; the woman gets one out of the freezer and throws it in the deep fat fryer, NOT a good start. She informs me it will be 5 minutes and do I want salad - one look tells me I don’t. I stand back and let her serve other customers.
There are 2 people in the
queue. The first orders burger and chips 4 times The second a girl of about
20, asks the price of sausage and chips. “£2.50 love”, the woman replies.
“How much is Cheese and Chips”, asks the girl. “£1.50”, says the waitress.
“OK, I’ll have that then”, says the girl.
Now, I don’t know about you, but I hadn’t come across this delicacy before, my daughter tells me it’s the staple diet at college.
So that’s cholesterol and cholesterol with salt and vinegar then? She stepped outside for a cigarette while her lunch was being prepared.
You can make all the documentaries
you like, and warn the public about the threat of obesity and heart disease,
but this is Skeggy baby, town of the low cost holiday, were a meal costs £1.50,
a pint costs £1.50, even a **** costs £1.50, and a 4 by 4 is a cheap bed and
breakfast!
My burger comes out of the deep fat fryer and onto the grill; hopefully it may dry it out a bit.
It is served in a large bap
(roll) and wrapped in several different napkins, I have no idea why………..
I pay for my meal and step out into the fresh? Air. Aahh, Chip Alley in the sunshine, could it get any better?
I don’t think so. No, I mean it, simple pleasures and all that.
I walk to the end of the
street where there are a couple of benches in the sun. Alfresco dining, Skegness
style.
..........
Postcards
Postcard 1 - I sit next to a mother and daughter and their pet
dog. The daughter has learning difficulties. You see a lot of this in Skegness,
an elderly parent whose daughter has become a lifelong companion, never wanting
to let go lest they become lonelier. A bag of chips, one for me, one for you,
one for the dog. Back to the B and B for a little snooze and then out to the
pub tonight, “Didn’t we have a lovely time, the time we went to Skeggy”?
Postcard 2 – Here are 2 couples walking past, Mum and Dad (aka
– Granny and Grandad) with new Mum and Dad (aka Daughter and Son-in-Law) pushing
obligatory buggy. Everybody is smoking ciggies (except the newborn. Name of
Kylie). “Aam gonna gerrus sum chips” says Grandad. “You go on then, we’ll
go back to the B and B and sort us self out. Well see you at ‘t auction later
on”, say the siblings. What’s an auction? It takes place in the pub and seems
to have taken over from bingo as a way of passing time while getting pissed.
Postcard 3 – Young dad pulling trolley with a mountain of
luggage, mum on the mobile, fag in hand, 2 young daughters with hair in
pigtails, wearing anoraks, holding hands.
“Hello. Yes it’s me mum. We got off the bus early. The kids are
starving, so we’ll ger um sum chips and be at the B and B in about half an
hour”. It will be a long walk but they are used to it, and anyway, they will be
on the beach tomorrow, building sand castles. Gloves, coats, umbrella, Ice
cream and Donkey rides. Chip Alley for tea…..
I went for a walk on the
beach. You have to lean to the left a lot (very windy). Set off for home and
had an uneventful ride back – apart from the crosswinds – I didn’t mention this
on the way. Going to Skegness at this time of year can involve having to deal
with a lot of cross-winds, Lincolnshire is very open country and on a touring
bike, with a screen and lots of plastic on my bike, it can be a pain in the
butt.
Postscript.
I am, in no way, ‘taking the
piss’ out of folks who go to Skeggy for a holiday. I was that person, being
dragged along by me mam, 45 years ago.
I hope ‘cheese and chips’
makes it……….